Excitement in the suburbs is when a wasp gets in the house!

That’s right, there is nothing like that initial exhilaration you feel when you hear that buzz that you know all too well. It’s the buzz of sheer terror and fright that can only be produced by a wasp or yellow jacket, hornet, bee, honey bee, killer bee … oh, you get the idea. There is something in your house that packs a slightly poisonous sting that even Andre the Giant would wince at. So, what do you do?

First, you have to choose your weapon. Crap! You’re out of Raid, so you have to go with the trusty rolled up magazine or newspaper. Things just got a lot more dangerous and it’s time to really get in the zone.

Second, track down where the buzz is coming from. This is definitely the most terrifying part of the ordeal, because the element of surprise is still in play. Then, out of nowhere, there it is. It has brazenly revealed itself to you as if to say that it knows what’s about to go down and it’s really NOT “as afraid of you as you are of it”. It knows very well that you are MUCH more afraid and the psychological match has begun.

Round 1: The stare down begins. You with the knowledge that you’re armed with a rolled up Good Housekeeping with a festive holiday dessert on the cover and it armed with a stinger tipped with poison. You roll up the magazine one last time (trying not to get distracted by how delightful the festive holiday dessert on the cover looks and wondering if you should add it to the holiday menu), a bead of sweat rolls down your forehead (or two, or three, or…oh hell, you’re sweating so bad you’ll have to shower when it’s all over), and then you take that first faithful step towards the flying demon. It then buzzes towards you and you immediately run screaming and drop your trusty weapon. Damnit! It has won round 1.

Round 2: You retrieve your trust weapon, roll it up again, wipe your brow, and enter the Thunder Dome. As you enter you don’t hear the buzz, the quiet is deafening, and then you notice that the flying demon has made it’s first tactical error…it has landed. You sense that this is your chance and you slowly move up behind it, clutch the Good Housekeeping ever so tightly, and then in a moment of bravery you take your first swing. Time stands still. The only sound you hear is the echo of the magazine whack ringing through the house. And then, right when you think that you have won the battle, here it comes. It’s an ATTACK!!!! You have missed and the demon has turned Kamikaze! It knows that once it stings you it’s life will shortly come to an end, but that’s a sacrifice that it’s willing to make.

It dive bombs you and all you can do is flail and swing your weapon like a crazed chimpanzee in desperate need of a banana. The battle continues for what seems like an eternity and then once the dust settles you realize that you’re still not crying from a Kamikaze sting and your enemy is still not dead. Both tired from the battle you retreat to your corners. You’re corner being locked in the bedroom (because evidently a wasp can pick a lock). And the wasp’s corner being anywhere it wants. Round 2 is a draw. When will the horror ever end???

Round 3: You’ve had enough. This is your house and you will not be defeated by this flying pest. Also, you’re two hours late for work at this point, so something has to be done. You grab your weapon, open the door and once again enter Thunder Dome. You quickly spot the enemy on the window sill and realize that it has tired and this is your chance. It’s now or never. Will you have to use a sick day, will you be able to go to sleep tonight or sleep with one eye open, will you ever be able to look yourself in the mirror again without feeling like you’re no longer the master of your domain. It’s go time. You attack with a burst of speed that you have not felt since high school (surprisingly you don’t pull anything), you tighten the grip on your Good Housekeeping (you decided between rounds 2 and 3 that you will add the festive holiday dessert to the holiday menu, so that’s no longer a distraction), and you swing with all of your might. Again, deafening silence. And as you raise your trusty weapon you see the carnage splattered on your now not-so-festive looking holiday dessert. You have done it. You have defeated the flying Kamikaze demon. You sit down, take a deep breath, and revel in your glory. Now, it’s time to clean up and dispose of the carnage.

You walk into the garage to dispose of the evidence in the trash and what do you see. Yep, there is the frigging Raid Wasp killer sitting right where you put it after your last great battle. Oh well, time to shower.