Excitement in the suburbs is DIY

If you’ve ever worked in an office you know that there are many things that you need to get used to.  There’s the fluorescent lighting that permeates your retinas and introduces you to the wonderful world of migranes.  There’s the rancid stench that permeates your nostrils every time you open the office refrigerator. (Why do you ever dare leave your food in there?)   But there’s also the seemingly endless encyclopedia of acronyms that permeates your brain and haunts your daydreams. But the most dreaded acronym of them all is not one that haunts your daydreams in the office, it’s one that haunts your actual dreams at home.  It’s the dreaded…DIY.

Yep, it’s a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon, but your eyes have still not adjusted from the forty (or fifty or sixty) hours of fluorescent lighting that you’ve been subjected to during the week, so you’re not quite ready to venture outdoors just yet.  Instead you turn on the TV and begin to flip the channels.  You flip and flip and flip and then before you know it you’ve landed on one of the numerous DIY shows that flood the Saturday afternoon airwaves. Then you start to think of all of the things that need working on around your own house and they just make it look so easy that you start to think, “Sure, I can handle replacing kitchen cabinets and counter tops.  I can lay new tile floors in the kitchen and bathrooms. I can build a deck and a pergola. I can re-build the master bathroom shower. I can replace all of the ceiling fans, light fixtures and switches, electrical outlets, and all of the windows.  And you know what, I can knock all of this out next weekend all by myself.” Forgetting of course that the professionals on these devilish shows are just that…professionals.

Your head is running a thousand miles-an-hour with all of the ideas in your head and before you know it you’re at the hardware store pricing all sorts of materials.  Tile, cabinets, paint, electrical stuff, countertops, lots and lots of wood, screws, cool tools you don’t know how to use. Before you know it you’re heading is spinning and you need some fresh air.  You walk outside and grab a hot dog from the vendor that’s always out front. A few minutes later you realize why you have never grabbed a hot dog from that guy and you immediately head home. You come screaming into the garage, run in the door, and head for the place where you do your best thinking…the bathroom. While sitting there you start to re-assess your hair-brained DIY ideas.  You decide to pick just one project and try to determine which is most urgent.

Six months later: After months of blood, sweat, and lots of tears, not to mention the hundreds of trips to the hardware store and thousands of dollars spent, you have finally finished.  The never ending project is finally over. It has actually turned out really well and you still have all of your fingers. Then, as you’re basking in your self-glory and feeling pretty good about yourself, it’s time to clean up and declare this project finished.  But as you’re cleaning up you look down and see something lying on the floor and think to yourself, “Crap! Where does this piece go?”