Excitement in the Suburbs is when the doorbell rings unexpectedly

DoorbellIt doesn’t matter what day of the week or what time of the day there is always one thing that will startle the crap out of me…it’s the doorbell.  We have now lived in our cozy suburban home for over six years and I’ve had conversations lasting over five minutes with about two of my neighbors.  We get along well, but are not close enough that they will show up unexpectedly (well, not anymore, but that’s a different story for perhaps another blog posting).  And I have smiled and said ‘hi’ to my other neighbors plenty of times, but as sad as it may sound, I just really have no interest in becoming friends with any of them. It’s not that they don’t seem like nice people, but I have a nice group of friends who all live far enough away that they won’t just show up unexpectedly, which is just how l like it.  And if they do, I’m wondering what they’re hiding from.

You might notice that the word ‘unexpectedly’ keeps showing up, that’s simple to explain…I am truly not a fan of the unexpected.  Well, I shouldn’t say that always applies.  I do like surprises from time-to-time, but I just don’t like people showing up at my house unexpectedly. So when that doorbell rings unexpectedly I immediately enter into ninja mode. That’s right, I immediately hit the deck, enter into a state of complete silence, and make it appear as though no one is home.  Never mind that the lights and TV are on, the car is parked out front, the blinds are open, and half of the time my wife and I are audibly shushing each other I genuinely believe that I’m such an awesome ninja that whoever is at the door will be dumb enough to not pick up on any of these obvious signs and will just go away.

Now that I really think about it there are very few people that I would ever like to ring my doorbell (as long as it’s not unexpected).

  1. Trick-or-treaters: It’s just one night a year and those kids are so stinking cute that it’s actually kind of fun when the doorbell rings. Now there is an exception for trick-or-treaters and those are the teenagers who show up at 9:30 when the porch light is off.  They of course are not in costume, don’t say anything, yet they expect a treat.  It’s always tempting to enter ninja mode when they show up, but this ninja does not really like cleaning egg of his car in the morning.
  2. The Pizza Guy: He of course is always more than welcome!
  3. Various service workers (A/C repairmen, plumbers, cable guy, etc…): I would of course rather that I never have a reason for them to come over, but if it’s necessary then you have to let them in. (but please wipe your feet!)
  4. Delivery drivers:  The arrival of the delivery driver is always exciting, because they usually come bearing something that you’ve been anxiously waiting for.
  5. Girl Scouts: I respect the Girl Scout that still gets out there and goes door-to-door instead of letting their parent’s guilt people at work into buying cookies.  Yep, I would rather succumb to the guilt I would feel of trying to say ‘no’ to a girl scout on my doorstep, so you can come by and take my order for three boxes of Samoas every year.
  6. And of course family and friends.  (but advanced notice is still preferred or you might fall victim to my ninja mode)

Now that I’ve come up with a list of acceptable people to ring my doorbell I might as well come up with a list of those who are not welcome. It’s actually a pretty simple list:  Everyone that’s not on the list above.

But for the heck of it I’ll list some of my favorite examples.

  1. Overly enthusiastic guys selling magazine subscriptions or trying to get me to switch energy/cable/internet providers.  I know they’re just doing a job, but it’s these people that make me want to get a “No Soliciting” sign. But I know they would just ignore it so I instead enter into ninja mode when I sense their presence and do my best to ignore them.
  2. Anyone wanting to talk to me about religion.  My religious beliefs are of none of your concern, so unless you want to witness my ninja skills first hand you should think twice before pressing that doorbell.
  3. Escaped convicts.

I’m sure that my hatred of the doorbell ringing unexpectedly could be analyzed by some as having a deeper meaning. Such as how our society is becoming more and more private and we are losing our sense of community.  And I would not argue, in fact I would have to agree with this analysis. And at times I truly wish that I did know my neighbors better and that we lived in a more tightly knit neighborhood. Heck, I would kind of like it if someday a neighbor needed to borrow a cup of sugar like you see in the old TV shows.  But they better let me know well ahead of time that they’re coming over, better yet schedule an appointment.  Otherwise, if that doorbell rings unexpectedly they will get no sugar from this ninja.